SAN DIEGO (TNA) – The Olympics have been going on for 10 days, or about as long as most of my relationships last. And like the relationships, I’m getting out as soon as I can. I’ve had 10 days to find all the faults I need to find in the Olympics. They’re not doing it for me. If you’re like the women I’ve dated, you’ll demand to know why. Well then, sweethearts, since you asked….

1. Why do female divers get to shower with their clothes on? Look, I love how they show the women showering after each dive. It’s all so wonderfully gratuitous. But who ever showers with clothes on? Come on, IOC, start requiring that the women shower as the rest of us do, with our clothes off.

2. Women’s basketball and soccer players might as well be wearing burkhas. What’s with the loose unis? In women’s volleyball, beach volleyball, track, and swimming, the women all wear skimpy bottoms. Get with the program. To the women’s international basketball and soccer federations, I say ban those baggy shorts and make all teams wear bikini briefs. Otherwise, I see no future for such repressive sports in the Olympics.

3. Where’s all the sex in the Olympic Village? We’ve heard for years about what an orgy the Olympic Village is. The athletes are all supposedly screwing each other senseless. Great. Will you please show it? I mean, NBC runs these human interest pieces, but what human isn’t interested in watching some slutty Australian swimmer blowing a Cameroonian football player?

4. Women’s beach volleyball players make me sick with all their platonic hugs. Come on, let’s see the caressing and making out on the sand together that we all know happens. Are you trying to tell me that these couples, with all the training they’ve done together over the years, haven’t once committed “net violations” on each other? Step out of the closet already, ladies!

5. China needs to swap out its ugly female athletes. Let me get this straight – China wouldn’t let the little ugly girl sing during the opening ceremonies, yet they allow peasant women to compete for their country? It’s appalling. Have you seen some of these women? They have bodies like Mao, and teeth like the Great Wall. Hey, China, at least be consistent. If you want our respect, send gorgeous six-foot models out to run, swim, and tumble. We don’t care if they win.

6. Stop calling those spectators cheerleaders. I hear all this talk about “cheerleaders” filling in for spectators at half-empty venues, but all I see are volunteers wearing dorky color-coded gym uniforms. Please, let’s get the terminology right. These people aren’t cheerleaders, they’re spectators. If they were cheerleaders they would be flashing their panties, mimicking sexual intercourse, and making out with each other during breaks. Sis-boom-FAIL, host country!

7. All this talk about the Chinese gymnasts being under age. Stop it, already. You’re killing my fantasies. I shouldn’t feel guilty when I masturbate to Olympic female gymnasts. Ever. I ask the people of China: For the next Olympics, please march out gymnasts that are at least 16 years of age. It’s the law.

8. Women’s wrestling and weight lifting? Who’s trying to prove what to whom with these butch sports? Is the IOC trying to appeal to the world’s bulldyke population? They could at least be consistent and, on the other side of the games, host men’s competitive depilation and drapery matching. … Makes me yearn for the days of ballroom dancing, where at least the women in skimpy outfits somewhat legitimized the sport.

I’m gone, man. I don’t need to put up with this. The Olympics won’t ever see me again for another four years. Hopefully, London will learn from Beijing’s mistakes. Remember, it’s not all about sports and competition. Viewers like myself have needs. So, until 2012, I’m off to more fertile events for my sexual gratification, like the Democratic National Convention and the U.S. Open tennis championship.

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